I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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