mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
