Only a mothe r could love this liver
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
