I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Randomize
