My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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