i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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