I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
