someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
