Just fell off a train. Bad.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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