She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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