Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
