She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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