Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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