It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
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Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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