I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My liver just had a heart attack.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
