He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i out mim tonsoeep
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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