there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
