he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
