We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
