Umm I'm too high to move.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap