I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.