just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
