Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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