I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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