I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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