I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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