I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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