watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
