I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
