Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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