You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
