My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
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Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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