when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
