Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
