I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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