she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
