I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
