i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
