Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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