yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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