she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
