awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He did a backflip because drugs
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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