So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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