I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
