I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
