I think my fart just growled at me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
