remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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