The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
