Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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