he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
