sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
