literally had 100 drinks last night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
