i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
3 2 1 whiskey
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
