I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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