I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
