The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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